Under Lockdown

I know I should be expressing or experiencing more discomfort with this state-imposed isolation during this time of crisis but quite frankly I’m not. It is rather my natural state of being. I like to isolate and all my life I’ve been criticized in one way or another for wanting to be alone with my own company. Who else knows or enjoys me better, laughs at what I think is funny, likes the books, music, films, and ideas as passionately as I do? The answer is no one. I don’t always “get” others, even when I think I do. When I feel I’ve finally found someone who gets me, I invariably find their limitations to a proper appreciation of my better qualities (and those not so great) and inevitably move on.

This isn’t out of some bloated sense of ego (right?) but rather its opposite: a paper-thin fragility that cannot handle criticism whether perceived or real that undermines all self-confidence in myself or that I conceive as meanness and end up feeling hurt. I become disgusted with people and their callousness and lack of consideration for another’s feelings. We are all so cruel to each other and the closer we are, the crueler and less respectful of boundaries we become.

So, while I should bemoan my isolation, I instead revel in it. I finally don’t have to make excuses for living as I prefer or feel badly about not seeing so-and-so because I can’t! The state won’t allow it, or at least recommends against it. Well, common sense is really what’s at issue here. I won’t risk myself getting ill or exposing others to something I may be carrying. I’m doing my civic duty. My isolation has finally garnered the respect it deserves.

On the other hand, I no longer have the freedom to see the people I do want to see on occasion, always for brief periods, and I do miss them and feel lonely at times. But I have enough experience and expertise in staying away from others to get me through this time without any serious mental breakdowns. I use no social media, so my only direct communication is the phone. This permits me some connection with real human beings in the outside world. I get my fix and move on to the next task at hand.

I’ve grown tired of commentators reminding me we are social animals and that I will live a longer and more meaningful and fulfilling life if I’m more connected with others. “Only connect,” E.M. Forster advised. Only…

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