Confederate monuments on public land to be replaced

HUMOR

With a unifying symbol Americans can rally around

As promised during the election campaign, President Joe Biden got to work quickly on the national unity portfolio since assuming office. In an announcement designed to de-escalate simmering tensions left over from the divisive federal election, the president called for healing.

Americans fear the nation is at risk of dissolution after the storming of the Capitol building. Amid questions about how the lack of security could have enabled such an attack, it has been learned that all the guards on duty had a nicotine fit at exactly the same time, resulting in a simultaneous smoke break that left the Capitol building vulnerable. Such are the hazards of New Years resolutions to quit smoking when undertaken by all members of a work group at once.

Given the shadowy elements in the alt right movement that fomented the attack, Biden and Harris staffers have searched tirelessly for unifying symbols and themes that would not ignite already simmering, hair trigger tempers. It looks as though preserving normalcy and domestic peace will be hallmarks of the Biden - Harris mandate.

It has been decided in the corridors of power that all Confederate symbols on public land will be dismantled and removed. The revolt over the murder of George Floyd in police custody has shown that symbols of America’s racist past are a flash point for unresolved divides that persist today. The challenge of what to replace them with and how to keep Civil War history alive begs an answer. Researchers and historians are tasked with identifying unifying figures with appeal across the political spectrum to go up in their place.

White House staffers have noticed the outpouring of grief and tribute for recently deceased Jeopardy game show host Alex Trebek. As entertainment programs profile Trebek’s career highlights including his final episodes, pollsters noticed something akin to a deification taking place. Visitors to the television studio where Jeopardy was recorded have asked to touch the podium he hosted from, albeit with hand washing hygiene measures in place. Such reverence is usually reserved for religious figures and hasn’t been seen since the passing of…

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