Six Ways Team Leaders Kill Conversation

A conversation among team members can yield critical new ideas as well as strengthen the relationships among team members. As one member builds on, supports, or challenges the ideas of others, new understandings and solutions can emerge. However, leaders often act unintentionally in ways that kill or significantly limit the conversation among their team members. Here are a few of those inadvertent killers:

1. Standing in the front of the room while everyone else is sitting

2. Making a comment or response after each team member speaks

3. Wearing a jacket when everyone else is in shirtsleeves

4. Pretending you don’t have a position on the topic under discussion (when you really do)

5. Holding the conversation in the boardroom

6. Asking a question without giving team members time to think about a response

1. Standing in the front of the room while everyone else is sitting. If you stand while team members are sitting, they will address their comments to you rather than to each other. If you’ve been standing to make announcements and are now ready to have a group conversation, draw a chair up to where everyone else is seated. Sitting behind a desk has the same deleterious effect as standing; all comments will be addressed to you. When you are ready for the group to have a conversation, move your chair out from behind your desk and join the group as a member of the conversation.

2. Making a comment or response after each team member speaks. Even innocuous responses, for example, “ok” or “I see,” will keep returning the group’s focus to you. Even an innocent nod after each comment will keep the focus on you. With each response, you affirm that you are the person whose opinion matters most. If you want conversation to flow between team members, they will have to look at the others when they talk, not at you. Your best bet is to look interested and when the speaker has finished, deliberately look around as though you are expecting others to respond or speak.

3. Wearing a jacket when everyone else is in shirtsleeves. The difference in clothes is like a signpost that says, “I am of higher rank than you.” Conversation is most effective when it is egalitarian; that is, opinions are not judged not by rank but rather by the value they bring to the discussion. Wearing your “rank” makes it more difficult for team members to judge your view based on its value rather than your position. Taking your jacket off and rolling up your sleeves signals that you now view yourself as a member of the group.

4. Pretending you don’t have a position on a topic under discussion (when you really do). This one is tricky. If you have a position on a topic on which you want others’ views, then when you raise the issue, it is most effective to state your position; then add to it an indication that you are open to other ideas, for example, “This is just my first thinking on the topic,” or “I’m interested in hearing what I might be missing.” If you don’t state your own position, team members will spend their time surreptitiously trying to detect what you really think. Of course, you can only offer such assurance if it’s true. You’re home free if you don’t have a position. But if you hold a view that you are unlikely to change, then don’t call for a conversation about it; instead, just inform team members of what you’ve decided.

5. Holding the conversation in the boardroom. Space matters. If you regularly use the boardroom for staff meetings during which you primarily ask for reports and make announcements, then choose a different room to hold conversations. We are all creatures of habit, and our bodies and minds associate certain spaces with specific behaviors, like returning to the same spot for every team meeting. If team members are accustomed to just listening in the boardroom, and you want to have an active conversation, change the room the team meets in, then team members won’t be cued to behave the same way as they do in the boardroom. A General with the Singapore Armed Forces once told me that the generals meet in conversation to try to fully understand a problem they are facing. Then, when they are ready to make a decision, they move to another room where rank counts!

6. Asking a question without giving team members time to think about a response. Silence always feels awkward; when we don’t hear an immediate response to a question, we tend to cover the silence by talking again. Realistically, team members need time to think about their answers. So, after you ask your question, let them know they have time to think about what they want to say, for example, “I’ll give you a few minutes to think,” and then stay quiet for a minute or two. Alternatively, you could say, “Take a couple of minutes to write a note or two about your thoughts before we start.” Everyone making their own notes before anyone responds has the proven advantage of producing a greater variety of responses — which is very much to the good! Use your watch to check that at least two minutes have lapsed. Without checking your watch, 30 seconds of silence can seem like two minutes. Even better, pair members for a few minutes to try out their thinking on a colleague. Substantial data shows that pairing first increases the willingness of members to speak up.

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