No one will probably see this but..

This is the story of my current love life. After many pain-filled days of grief and heart break, I can happily say I have moved on from my ex. I think i’m ready to get back out in the world of love, but it’s a very scary process for me. I am currently in the “talking” stage with a boy who definitely seemed way too good to be true at first- and ended up being exactly that way. He’s the stereotypical boy that every teenage girl would fall head over heels for- blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2, baseball player, & magically charming. He’s the boy that we all dream of having the perfect relationship with.. He’s that boy that’ll make you feel like the only girl in the world but the sad reality is that you aren’t and probably never will be to him. You’re probably very confused- why are you still talking to him? This sounds like a story about heart break, not something new, fun, or refreshing. I can explain.

It all started over some bubble tea and lots of eye contact. We hung out for about an hour, and then he took me home. We had a good vibe together and I had a great time, and as far as I know, he did too. We hung out again the next day- we drove to the one beautiful place in this little town we live in, “the view”. It overlooks the entire town and is a great place to sit and talk, smoke pot, or both. We talked for awhile, and that good vibe was still there. Blah blah blah, I know you’re anticipating the fuck up he somehow manages to present to me on a silver platter, but the anticipation is what will make you understand this story. We hung out a few more times for about two weeks, and everything was good. I asked him to come to my schools’ prom (he goes to a different school) and he gladly said yes. To my knowledge we had established the fact that we liked each other and were “talking”.. so cliche, i know. I thought some level of respect had been established and that we weren't really talking to other people, but I may have somehow been wrong.

In the small college town that I live in, there is about three things to do- party, eat, or sit in your house because the cold makes doing anything else absolutely miserable. Every year around St. Patrick’s day, we have a parade downtown where basically everyone gets drunk and makes bad decisions. He- the boy i’m oddly enough talking to- joined just about everyone else around here and decided to shotgun a few beers and have a good time. I don’t blame him- I would’ve been doing the same thing if I weren’t out of town. The sad truth is that in this day in age, teenagers drink to have fun, to forget their problems, to be more outgoing.. You name it- teenagers like to drink because of it. Teenagers make stupid decisions when they’ve been drinking, as we all have. From my friend giving a blowjob in the back of a car to my other friend crying in front of everyone at a party over a boy who doesn’t care about her, I have seen alcohol’s effects on teens, yet we still do it. He did it, and I don’t know if it was the alcohol or just simply not caring at all, but he started by taking a picture with another girl- fine. But his hand was a bit far down, if you know what I mean. Annoying for sure, but I was willing to let it go. I asked him about it, and of course I got the “she means nothing!” and the “you’re the only girl I want”, to be expected. Soon after I found out that he’d made plans to hang out with a girl that i’d never heard of after school the following monday. I would’ve never known if a trusted friend didn’t tell me, and I still question to this day if he would’ve ever told me or actually went through with these plans if I never would’ve found out. After finding this out I let him know that I would no longer be interested in seeing him and that it was over. “I’m so sorry, it’ll never happen again, I was drunk, I missed you, I was afraid of getting too close”… classics. I know these are the words that come from the mouth of a liar, a player. Yet when he showed up at my house with bubble tea like the first time, my forgiving instinct kicked in and took in the apologies knowing the little value they actually had, and I took him back. What can I say? I’m a sucker for cliches, I don’t fall for lies but for some reason I accept them. And those eyes..

Since this whole situation, things haven’t quite been the same, and I don’t really know how to feel. I know it’s my fault for taking him back. I don’t know what to do, and the sad truth is that I crave a love like the love my ex and I shared. I want someone to love me and I want to love them right back. I’m going about it the wrong way, I know, but if I pretend everything is okay, maybe it will be. Maybe someday.

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